Why don't the aliens pick me?: an aimless ramble

By Sean Wayne

Why is it that aliens seem to abduct people all the time, all across the globe? They land and tell them secrets, or contact them on some spiritual plane, feeding them information about the state of mankind. But, why do they never pick me? I want them to pick me, I want to see space and learn about alternative energy. I want them to tell me to warn mankind about some impending disaster. Or how we are killing our planet by raping the foliage and polluting the water and air.

My new idol is Dennis Tito, that goof-ball millionaire who paid The Russian Space program a whopping $20 million to hitch a ride to space. Tito went takeoff to splashed down in what is likely the American equivalent of a 1976 Ford Pinto, and seemed to love every minute of it.

I would love to float out above the Earth, looking back in awe, looking at the stars in a way I've never seen. Could you imagine how cool the Orion Nebula must look from space? I can't! I don't even know if you can see the damn thing.

The point is, that aliens could show me right? I mean, I've heard the stories of beautiful woman from the Pleides telling secrets of the Universe to humans, why not me?!?

Why can't I see a UFO at night on some deserted road? Why can't I see one landed on the ground? I wouldn't stand there slack-jawed, I'd chase the damn thing down and throw rocks at it until they opened the door, I'd force them to let me in.

I'd say "all right you sons-a-bitches, talk to me with your minds, tell me secrets." They'd have to pay attention to me. Hell I'd grab one of them by the arm and say "OK lets go, we're telling the World like it or not you gray bastard." I'd make the little freaks fly me to DC and drop me on the front lawn of the White House, I'd violate national airspace and end this God damned controversy once and for all.

But people say they do strange things to them, why am I not scared? I don't get scared, I'm damn close to being a psychopath some might say, because I do not fear. I'm a vastly emotionless drone with no fear and a savage wit, some might say I'm an alien. Besides, I'd never let them do anything to me, like medical experiments, I'm way too vicious a person for that, I'd be forced to kick their asses. Damn their freeze ray, I'd bust that shit up, now way they'd stop me.

How come no one like me is ever abducted? How come I never read about the guy who freaked out and started kicking...oh wait! Didn't Travis Walton do that? Didn't he say they must not have liked him? So maybe that's it! Maybe the aliens don't pick on people like me who are not afraid to fight back.

Well that would just make them Interplanetary bullies of the most despicable kind. I used to be a bully when I was a kid, I'd beat other kids up for the fun of it. But I evolved and learned it was wrong, that I was channeling my aggression in the wrong places. Is that to say that these abductors have some malice intent? Not really, maybe they are trying to help us and people like me are too dense to see that, to let them.

Either way, I still want to know why I can't see a UFO. Or have I? Ehh...who the hell knows? I can't tell, I live in New York City, do you have any idea how much shit is flying around the sky here at night? You have to be a damn aviation expert to know what you're looking at. I see commercial jets, police and news choppers, blimps, biplanes, gliders, balloons, military F- fighters, hell I've even seen the occasional Stealth Bomber high up in the sky in the day. I've seem skydivers, and sky surfers, and weird shit with helium in it just floating aimlessly around.

There could be ten times the national average of UFO activity right in may own backyard, and I don't think I'd even know it. Oh well, I guess maybe I should move off to the country to increase my chances. SNIFF SNIFF: ahhh...country air, well maybe I won't see a UFO in the country either, but at least I can still see the stars at night.